A Bite Me, Billionaire confession

I think my roommate
might be a vampire.

He says I'm being dramatic.
I have a spreadsheet.

It started with a fake-dating arrangement. Three days at my sister's destination wedding in the Bahamas. One billionaire pretending to like me. One suite with two bedrooms. Zero feelings. That was the deal.

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Red flags I have catalogued so far:

Uses the word insufferable unironically
Refuses room service. Every. Night.
Owns the resort. Also "a stake" in a medical company called LifeSource
Has "old friends" named Elena, Sofia & Nathaniel — they all travel with weapons
A man at the welcome cocktail referenced Prague, 1873
When I kissed him under the lanterns, his pulse was — never mind, I'm sure I imagined it

I'm probably overreacting. I am definitely not overreacting.

What I posted vs. what was actually happening.

The Caption

Pool day with my girls 🌺 Nothing but good vibes and great company!

The Reality

Two vampires were positioned around that pool watching for another vampire who wanted to destroy everyone I love.

The algorithm wouldn't have known what to do with that one.

A real text I got from my best friend.

iMessage Sage 💕

What kind of complicated? Good complicated? Bad complicated?

"I'm falling for my fake boyfriend" complicated?

"He's secretly married" complicated?

"He's actually a vampire" complicated?

…

POPPY.

I told her everything eventually.
I left out the part about the spreadsheet.

So about that wedding.

His ex-best-friend showed up.
My mother thinks Julian is "too quiet."
The bridesmaids are drunk.
There's an open bar, a string quartet, and a 146-year-old grudge waiting to detonate at the rehearsal dinner.

You should probably read the whole disaster.